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Monday, November 28, 2016

So after reading the symptoms in this picture maybe you have a better clue of the life I live.  I don't have all these all the time but most of the time I have at least one, maybe more.  I don't go to parties because I never feel good enough.  I don't clean house because it takes away all my energy and makes me sore and I can't function for at least 2 weeks after just cleaning the bathroom, and more than likely I can't finish the entire bathroom by myself.  I don't go visit people because it hurts too much to climb stairs and to drive.  I go to my pain group and my therapy appointments because I need them in my life.  Not to say I don't need friends or social interaction, I just need my pain group and therapy more.  I can't drive long distances anymore, it hurts too much.  I can't ride in the car for long distances either, it hurts too much.  People tell me exercise is supposed to help the pain.  It doesn't, it makes it worse.  Writing this right now is exercise for me.  Waving at someone is exercise.  Getting up to take a shower is not always possible.  Then in the shower I have to sit on a chair because I can't stand up that long.  Washing my hair hurts my arms.  Washing my body hurts too.  The water hitting my skin hurts.  Drying off hurts.  Wearing clothes hurts.  Putting on shoes hurts.  EVERYTHING I do hurts.  I am in pain constantly.  I feel like I have the flu or a fever all the time because of how much my body aches.
I had some friends, notice I said had, that invited me to 2 parties.  I broke a tooth before one of them and had a uterine biopsy before the second one.  I couldn't go.  They got mad at me, and I know they are still mad at me and think I don't care about them.  That is the furthest from the truth it could possibly be.  I still love them just the same.  They, however have abandoned me.  I call and they put me off.  They call when they need something and if it doesn't involve going anywhere I'm right there, always have been always will be.  I've lost almost all my friends except the online ones because of this illness.
It isn't fun, it isn't nice, it isn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy.  I get criticized by my family all the time because I'm supposedly lazy and don't want to do anything.  I ask for help and get annoyed responses and sometimes yelled at because I asked for help.  I was told when I first got this that they would help me no matter what.  I guess the price of that is my self esteem and self worth because when they complain because they have to help me it makes me feel like I'm not worth anything anymore and am useless.  But if I say anything and get mad because of how I'm treated I'm the bitch, the bad guy.
The cold makes me hurt worse.  If I ask for the heater to be turned up I'm roasting everyone.  I have an electric blanket which helps and a small space heater but I can't run both at the same time because of the electricity in my house.  It won't handle them both at the same time.  I think running the heater and trying to print something fried my printer and now I have to buy a new one.  So I suffer in pain.
I have found CBD pills that help but they are very expensive and I can't take them all the time because they cost so much.  Smoking marijuana helps but I can't stay high all the time.  I use edibles to help me sleep at night.  Sleep is the only time I have some relief from the pain.
I'm not writing this so you'll feel sorry for me and pity me, that's the last thing I want.  I'm writing it so you will open your eyes and realize that just because someone doesn't look or act sick all the time doesn't mean they aren't.  Fibromyalgia is a silent disease, an unseen disease.  You look fine, look healthy, and can usually act the part so people don't think you're lazy or complain too much.  I'm writing this so that you know if you have a family member or friend who has it to take some compassion on them and realize they are sick.  If I was on chemo I'd get treated better, but I still go through a lot of the same symptoms.  So stop and think before you judge someone and decide their role in your life.  Maybe they just need someone to listen or say hey it's ok I still love you.